Coffee Cake Recipe

Ingredients for Top Secret Coffee Cake:
2 1/2 cups flour
1 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp ginger
3/4 cup corn oil
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 egg
1 cup buttermilk

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Secret to Everlasting Happiness

If you want to experience happiness and the true joy of living then you must live in the present moment. Not in the past and not in the future but in the present.

Not in the past and not in the future but in the present. Don’t dwell on what happened yesterday or what could go wrong tomorrow. Relax in the present where you are now.

It is good to have pleasant and happy memories but don’t obsess about a negative situation which happened in the past. You can’t change what happened by thinking about it. Stop wasting your time and energy on this useless activity.

Understand the power of “now”. Keep your power in the present time.

Don’t harbor feelings of anger, unjustness and unfairness.

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Heads up husbands … 5 ways to ignite your wife’s passions

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Let’s start with what turns a woman on. Ironically, when it comes to what turns a woman on, it’s the opposite of what most men think. The biggest mistake men make is in believing that women like the same things they do. Sorry fellas, but reaching over in the morning and grabbing a breast—while it may be a fairly clear signal to you—is usually not a way to ignite her passion; nor is it foreplay.

How a woman feels when she is with a man is the primary factor in whether or not she experiences attraction and sexual desire. And what she wants to feel is trust.

For the majority of women: trust = lust. If your wife seems to have lost interest in having sex with you, my guess is that you haven’t given her a reason to trust you, or that you’ve killed whatever trust she once had.

So how do you develop and maintain a high degree of trust in marriage? Basically, through your strength, your presence, your confidence and your integrity.
1.Your strength. There’s a reason males are considered the stronger of the two genders. A man is often expected to provide protection, support and physical power. He’s expected to work hard, sweat, do the heavy lifting and to stick to it when times get tough. Play to these masculine strengths.
2.Your presence. Your wife’s willingness to have sex is deeply dependent upon this. If you are 100 percent present when you are with her (even if your time together is limited), she will be satisfied. On a side note, I believe that 100 percent of your sexual energy should be focused within the relationship. Spending any percentage of it elsewhere leads down the slippery slope to breaking your partner’s trust.
3.Your confidence. Because women are by nature security-seeking creatures, a man’s confidence can be a major turn-on. When a man approaches a woman with confidence, she experiences the same chemical reaction in her brain (a release of both dopamine and norepinephrine) that a man experiences when a woman lifts up her shirt and shows him her breasts. And by “confidence,” I don’t mean “machismo.” I’m referring to the type of man who knows who he is (and who he isn’t). At the other end of the spectrum, men who are anxious, passive and eager to please exude anything but confidence. Looking for a surefire way to kill the passion in your marriage? Become the passive, conflict-avoiding, eager-to-please nice guy who only wants to make his wife “happy.”
4.Your integrity. The ability to consistently act with integrity is crucial in maintaining a deep sexual bond with your wife. This means that you always tell the truth, keep your word, follow through and have good boundaries.

Bonus point: 5. Have a plan. This isn’t about controlling a woman; it’s about giving her a choice. One of the worst things you can do is come home in the evening and ask, “What do you want to do tonight?” Instead, walk in the door and say, “Be dressed and ready to go to dinner by 7.” Give her the option of either following your lead or proposing an alternative. Don’t leave everything up to her. This same principle applies to the bedroom as well.

As a man, when you are present and share your mind, heart, humor, intellect, imagination, words, strength and even your dark side with your wife, you open her up to the fullness of your being. As she joins you in this state of openness, and opens herself up to you, she will take you places you can’t take yourself.

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Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia

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Definition:

Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia – The use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.

Description:

Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia are common among all people. We all remember certain events and situations differently. Our ability to remember with clarity events from a favorite early childhood vacation or birthday party can often greatly exceed our ability to remember our commute to work yesterday.

Scientists and psychologists are still unlocking the secrets of exactly how memory works in the human brain. Much has been learned about the neural networks, neurons, synapses and etc.

However, what is clear is that emotion forms an important component of what we can remember and how well we can remember it. It is thought that adrenaline plays a role. This helps explain why we can remember details of an exciting event (such as that childhood vacation) much easier than an uninteresting one (such as the commute to work) .

People with personality disorders often suffer from extremes of emotion – sometimes referred to emotional dysregulation or emotional regulation disorder. These unregulated emotional highs and lows perhaps help to explain why some people with personality disorders experience vastly inconsistent memory functioning.

Additionally, this may also help to explain why some people who suffer from personality disorders experience extreme forms of selective memory known as Dissociation. Dissociation is the process whereby a person’s feelings and emotions can override a person’s tactile recollection of the facts – known as “Feelings Create Facts” Refer to our Page on Dissociation for More Info on Dissociation.

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The Silent Treatment – A Form of Abuse

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As with most abusers, they are in denial over      their own abuse. They may use the excuses:      

  • I needed to have some space
  • I thought you needed some space
  • I was feeling depressed and didn’t want to drag   you down with me
  • I thought we both need a cooling off period   
  • I felt threatened/insulted/hurt and reacted   with fear and isolation
  • I just needed some time alone to think
  • I didn’t want to fight
  • You told me to leave you alone
  • Problems from my past came up and I needed to   sort them out       

Of course these excuses are just one more way      for the abusers to blame somebody or something else for his abuse.

 

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How could everything change so dramatically?

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“The difficultly with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character.”
– Peter Devries

We can only appreciate the profundity of this statement if we understand what is meant by CHARACTER.

“Personality” is easy to understand. Your “personality” is how people experience you. It’s your public persona.

But what is “character?” And why is “character” so crucial in your marriage?

Character is who you are when no one is watching.

Let me say that again so you can read it slowly and really digest it this time.

Character is who you are when no one is watching.

You see, when you and your spouse met, you met each other’s PERSONALITIES. You showed your spouse and you were shown by your spouse your public personas. I’m not saying you tricked each other. It’s just your personality…how you display yourself to others.

But marriage lasts too long in too close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF that gets revealed for the first time. And there you each stand, naked as if no one is watching. But someone is watching. And that’s when you meet for the first time…again!

You and your spouse don’t meet the person who charmed each other’s friends, bought gifts for each other’s parents, and always smiled from ear to ear. No, this time it’s a meeting of your CHARACTERS.

In many cases, it’s not only that you’re meeting each other for the first time, but it’s that you’re meeting YOURSELVES for the first time.

Most people wouldn’t be caught dead treating anyone the way they treat their spouse. Most people don’t recognize their own behavior. “I’m just not myself with him/her.” Well then who is that person? That’s YOU…it’s your character. (And your spouse meets their character.)

The reason so many people fail at marriage and an attempt at marriage renewal is NOT that they don’t like their spouse. It’s that they don’t like THEMSELVES. And while everyone else in their life is like a mirror reflecting their personality; their spouse is a mirror reflecting their character. And most people don’t like what they see.

Many people would rather choose to be with someone else than remain with their spouse and have to continue to be with themselves. (Did you get that?)

Balthasar Gracian wrote in his 17th century manual on success, The Art of Worldly Wisdom, as follows: “You are as much a real person as you are deep. As with the depths of a diamond, the interior is twice as important as the surface. There are people who are all facade, like a house left unfinished when the funds run out. They have the entrance of a palace but the inner rooms of a cottage.”

Marriage renewal and individual character development go hand-in-hand.

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Silent abuse – The mind game

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We have all suffered many forms of abuse but the least talked about is “The mind game” otherwise know as the silent treatment, deliberately ignored to cause harm to another persons mental well being, sent to coventry and it’s one of the most harmful methods of abuse used by abusers who feel that

“If they do not use their hands to physically abuse then it isn’t abuse.”

Wrong

It is abuse to ignore some ones needs emotionally and make them feel worthless and depressed and will cause long term damage that in many cases can lead to the victims physical health being harmed.

To deliberately cause harm to someone by use of the silent treatment, deny a person any emotional care, deny them any praise, starve them of love, affection, compliments, positive feed back, to regularly reject, degrade and deny a person any emotional responsiveness and to ignore a persons needs is mental abuse or also known as psychological abuse. It is repetitive abuse that’s aimed at controlling, diminishing another persons well being in order to hurt, punish, harm or control them.

The silent abuser is able to switch himself off emotionally to the pain and suffering he is causing his victim and will deny he is the problem and he may tell himself or others that he is the victim.

You stop being a victim when you become the abuser

The abuser is capable of closing down all reasonable sense of emotions and turn into a cold heart very fast as he withdraws into his own world without any care for his victims distress . The abuser will behave in society charming, calm, happy, he will be seen by others as a pillar of society, gentle natured, helpful, kind, caring and fool the outside world into thinking he is abused and his partner is the abuser. This is classic of a mental abuser. They will have their partner labelled a mental case whilst he plays the victim and saint and makes her the subject of of every ones rejection by labelling her with an unbalanced mind.

The true victim will be further rejected not only by her abuser but also by his friends, work colleagues, family and others he is likely to meet. The abuser needs to feel in control and he will seek constant approval from those around him and convince them that he’s the true victim. They will offer him advice and he will feed off their pity which will make him feel even more in control as he plays the victim.

The true victims may withdraw from all social activities, work, stop seeing family, they stop being fun, will see everything in a negative light, stop eating which is the start of dangerous health issues, cry alone, send text terror messages as a means to fight back which only gives the abuser more ammunition to abuse her with as he will use that as a further excuse to ignore and make her look bad in front of others. The abuser will happily share the text messages because he wants everyone to see him as the victim. The true victim will stop functioning on all levels as the mind games take over her life. She will find it hard to think of anything else but what is happening to her. The victim will fight with her own mind and struggle to work out if she is being abused or is she truly the problem. The victim may start behaving irrationally from the stress caused by the mental abuse.

Mental abuse is not normally seen by anyone on the outside looking in because they see the abuser as a strong, calm, caring and sincere person and will not be able to see the true character behind the person in front of them that they think they know so well.

Do you really know the person standing next to you?

Out of all the abuse I suffered the one part of the abuse I have always struggled with is the “being ignored” because when I begged for the abuser to stop no one listened. The more I was ignored the more it built up an extreme and unlikely intolerance for being “ignored” which has stayed with me as an adult. I left care with that intolerance to the ugly side of human nature that sees many people misuse the silent treatment to harm others. Some justify this behaviour and kid themselves that it’s in some way an honourable stance to take. Ignoring someone briefly when done to express dissatisfaction is very different to the silent treatment. To ignore someone as a regular means to punish, hurt or upset someone as payback or for whatever reason, it is in my opinion and the opinions of experts to be considered one of the worst forms of mental abuse that exists in human nature. It causes irreparable damage to a person’s mind and will see the victims behaviour change slowly but noticeably when its out of control by others who are close. There are times the abuse continues and the victims show now outward signs to those who are close whilst the mental abuser get to witness the dramatic and extreme behaviour change in direct response to his/her mental abuse in the “silent treatment”.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment and control and the person using it to harm another feels a lack of care and can not or will not communicate as she/he watches the victim slowly deteriorate from being a lively happy and fun person into becoming withdrawn, reclusive or maybe verbally aggressive to the abuser in a vain bid to stop the abuse of the mind. The person dishing out the “silent treatment is FULLY aware of the damage they are doing and they are FULLY aware that all they need to do to stop it is to simply talk to the victim. The abuser will not talk to the victim and when he does he will constantly lead the victim into a false sense of security at leisure. Then ignore again. The abuser will provoke any situation with silence which triggers off the victim who can never work out what has happened to warrant more silent treatment and again the victim finds himself/herself fighting desperately with the abuser in a vain bid to stop her/him giving the silent treatment all over again.

The victims behaviour can change so dramatically he/she is hardly recognized as being the same person. Every time the silent treatment begins the victim is pulled further and further down and the abuser sits back and carries on with daily chores blatantly ignoring the victim whom is obviously so distressed that no normal thinking individual person could sit back and watch such a shocking display of suffering. The victim may withdraw completely, stop talking i.e. friends, stop socializing, stop eating, start drinking, stop working, start text terrorism against the abuser as a defence mechanism of protection but it never works, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and that’s just a few of the side effects of a victim suffering from mental abuse.

The “silent treatment” otherwise named as “deliberate intent to ignore” or “ATCH” which means absent to cause harm which is where an abuser completely cuts the victim off and the abuser will not budge. They often acknowledge in their own minds that the victim is suffering but do nothing about it and walk away and simply ignore it.

The latter is a very dangerous form of mental abuse.

I have often heard stories of men ignoring their partner after causing her such distress that she has taken to self-harm or attempt to take her own life from where the mental abuse has weakened her once strong mind into a nerve wrecking display of self doubt and depression. The abuser will hear her calls of desperation and he will empty himself of all emotions and walk away. He will show no emotions as she tries to take her own life. He will convince himself that she deserves it for hurting his feelings by trying to fight back.

Its not often friends get to witness the mental abuse of the systematic silent treatment from a partner because it is silent but in some cases friends will witness erratic behaviour of the victim and they cant quite understand what’s going on because the victim will blame everything but her abusive partner. It is rare anyone on the outside of the relationship sees the suffering of the victim as the abuse often like most forms of abuse stays “within the immediate relationship”. The male abusers friends will only see this charming friend they all love because he will do anything for them but seldom do his friends or family witness what he is doing to his partner. They will only see the abusers partners displays of distress.

The “silent treatment, ignoring or ATCH” abuser is fully aware of their actions and fully aware they are causing a significant amount of harm to the victim in most cases but there are those who do believe they are the victim. The victim may at times have the odd outburst in front of others or in a public place. The abuser will then inform his family of every little thing his victim partner does as he seeks refuge and portrays himself as the victim in need of support because he has a totally “maniac” partner whose lost the plot.

This form of mental abuse is often used by the man more so than a woman.

Eventually once the victim has been totally broken down by the mental abuser she will give up fighting back and beg for forgiveness and beg the abusive partner to forgive her. She may well go to the extremes to try and make it up to her man because she has been broken in and is now under his mind control. The man will continue to use this method of mind control and ignore, use the silent treatment or ATCH tactics until his partner has been totally exhausted, feels totally helpless and it opens her up to being controlled so the man gets what he wants. Sadly this form of abuse has seen the deaths of women who self-harmed or attempted suicide as a cry for help and those cries for help ignored by the abuser and has resulted in her death.

Self-harm – deliberate cutting or mutilation of one’s own body including rip hair out, stop eating, stop going out, withdraw from society, cut off hair, stay in bed, over eat or attempt suicide.

The reason I am touching on this subject is because I have seen a number of women email me on facebook who are going through this right now with their Turkish partners or have just left such an abusive relationship and sit in silence blaming themselves. I also want to touch on this subject because I am a survivor of child abuse and I myself have gone through the mental abuse process and contrary to what people believe, it is not easy to leave such a controlling relationship.

Men who have been abused as children physically, sexually or mentally and/or suffered abuse by a parent due to the damaging effects of poverty are well known for using the “silent treatment, ignoring and ATCH” methods to punish and control their partners. These men will convince themselves they are not abusing because they haven’t physically hit the woman and he will convince her he’s very good to her by not saying anything. He will almost always convince himself he’s the victim and show no remorse at all for the suffering he is causing by punishing and controlling someone he claims to love. These men are often found to not contribute to the relationship they are in and show little or no care or respect for his partner and will continue to expect her to hold the entire relationship together all by herself whilst he laps up the comfort of control and does nothing to help contribute or support the relationship. He will not show emotions when challenged or he may eventually turn to violence.

Ignoring a partner may also be a sign of infidelity or a man who is not in control of his own emotions and shuts down. Regardless of the circumstances, mental abuse and the negative power of the “silent treatment, being deliberately ignored or the ATCH” abuse is never the less very damaging for those on the receiving end and needs to be address by either the abuser entering therapy or for the victim to leave the situation. If the man recognizes he’s an abuser lhe can seek help from a professional help. The victim must seek professional help to get out of such an abusive relationship before she is so worn down it will diminish her life slowly but surely.

When does the silent abuse turn into physical abuse?

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The Silent Treatment

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Most couples can’t remember what the impetus was. And if they could, they’d be too embarrassed to admit that something so small blew-up into something so big.

So what are these silent treatments or stand-offs REALLY about? And how can you avoid them or end them soon after they begin?

It’s interesting that Jodie made a point in her email to say that she and her husband “know better.” In other words, they’re intelligent, educated, and accomplished people. Jodie’s husband is even a judge, an expert in distinguishing between right and wrong. They know that treating each other this way doesn’t make sense. They know IT is wrong. But they also know that THEY are right.

And that’s exactly the problem!

Silent treatments ensue when both people feel they’re RIGHT. And the more intense each spouse’s conviction to their perspective, the longer the silence lasts. And, ironically, the more
intelligent and the articulate the couple, the MORE LIKELY they are to endure silence between
them. Because intelligent and articulate people have confidence in their position and justification for holding their ground.

Although Jodie is surprised that her and her husband, intelligent people, could be so petty; the fact is that one reason they’re holding their silence for so long is BECAUSE they’re intelligent. In other words, intellectual capacity and marital satisfaction can be INVERSELY related. Let me say it another way: When it comes to your marriage, you can be right or you can be happy. But sometimes you can’t be both.

In a courtroom, a hospital, or an office, right and wrong determine success or failure. The decision to prescribe the right medicine, for example, could be the difference between life and death. The relationship between the doctor and the patient is secondary. Being RIGHT is what matters and what is rewarded.

But in marriage, being right has no value. All that matters is the relationship.

Sometimes you have to choose. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married?

Just because you’re right/wrong paradigm works at the office doesn’t mean that you should bring it home. “He who is a hammer thinks everything is a nail.” Some things work perfectly in one area of life and fail terribly in another. In marriage, you have to be like a carpenter and know which tool to use. The right/wrong mode is the WRONG tool to use in your marriage.

The more you insist on being RIGHT, the more you will be miserable in your marriage. Don’t go for RIGHT; go for LOVE.

Jodie expects that because she and her husband are “intelligent,” they shouldn’t find themselves in these petty stalemates. But just because Jodie and her husband have a high IQ, doesn’t mean they have a high EQ.

IQ is a measure of your INTELLECTUAL intelligence. The higher your IQ, the better your ability to process information and determine what’s “right.”

EQ is a measure of your EMOTIONAL intelligence. The higher your EQ, the better your ability to
connect with people and succeed in relationships.

Just as some athletes are strong but not fast, so too many people have a high IQ but a low EQ.

Bottom line: Intelligence, in the way Jodie means it, has little bearing on her and her husband’s
ability to succeed in their marriage. In fact, a high IQ coupled with a low EQ can be a disastrous
combination for a marriage.

The good news, however, is that EQ can be developed. Anyone can increase their EQ and learn to make their marriage RIGHT.

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