4 Reasons Marriages End in Divorce

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Why Marriages End and What You Can Do To Keep Yours Alive

When I found out that Tiger Woods had been cheating on his blonde bombshell-of-a-wife with about fifty different women, I was flabbergasted. He had a great career, lots of money, and a hot wife, so why would he do something so stupid? The simple truth is that there are several reasons why marriages fail; being aware of the most common reasons for divorce can help couples alleviate problems in their marriages and help prevent divorce in the future.

1. Infidelity

Cheating seems like the most common reason for divorce, due largely in part to the media. Athletes, singers, politicians, and other “celebrities” are often in the spotlight because of their infidelity; in some cases, this cheating involves multiple people and is usually quite scandalous, garnering worldwide attention and often wrecking their personal and professional lives. But infidelity isn’t just reserved for those in the limelight – it’s a situation that arises in the marriages of normal people, too. Infidelity is different from the other reasons on this list primarily because it’s usually caused by other issues. As a matter of fact, it may occur because of…

2. Communication

Communication is often the glue that holds a marriage together. If two people are in-tune with each other’s feelings, opinions, and values, then it’s a great benefit to their relationship. Generally, this means that they actually have to speak honestly and openly with each other, and although it may seem difficult to do this amidst jobs, children, and other obligations, it’s an important component to any relationship. If two people don’t openly express their feelings or concerns, then there’s no way to work together to help or fix them. Talk about sex. Tell your partner if you feel emotionally or mentally unfulfilled. If you need attention, ask for it. Two people get married because they communicate that they love each other and want to make their love official…so this is a great place to start.

3. Money

Money is one factor that heavily influences the stability and solidity of marriages. Money is nice to have, and it’s a great way to show how much you really care, but money (or lack thereof) often tears people apart. Lay-offs, medical bills, children and even basic household bills can be burdensome and can cause stress for couples. Poverty and the struggles that correspond with it can test marriages, but communication and mutual compromise can help a relationship survive amidst difficult financial times.

4. Priorities

With careers, social obligations, and families to care for, it can be hard to find quality time to spend with your spouse, yet the livelihood of your relationship depends on it. By taking time out of your busy lives to spend quality time together, marriage satisfaction can be greatly improved. Don’t hesitate to schedule date nights or plan events with your spouse to make sure they’re not missed.

Although marriage may have its ups and downs, it usually pays off in the long run. Understanding the primary concerns that often arise in marriage is the first step in preventing and overcoming them.

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5 Words That Will Ruin Your Marriage

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Words are powerful. They can cut you, heal you, inspire you, and stop you from certain actions. Learning the language of marriage takes time and diligence, but saying some words regularly may cause irreparable damage. Here are five words that are destined to cause damage to your marriage:

1. “Never.” “Never” implies a sense of hopelessness and finality. When you use “never,” you’re telling your spouse that they are no good, will never be any good and that there’s no hope for change. It’s an all-or-nothing phrase that does not lend itself to listening, compromising and creating good will.

2. “Always.” “Always” implies a sense of rigidity and righteousness. When you use “always,” you’re telling your spouse that they are wrong, you are right, and that there’s nothing that can be done about it. It’s also an all-or-nothing phrase, and it does not lend itself to understanding, learning, or healing.

3. “But.” “But” implies a sense of manipulation and a lack of integrity. When you use “but,” you negate whatever was said before. It invalidates your message and turns a positive statement into a negative one. It’s a conjunction that does not lend itself to building trust, credibility and intimacy. Similar words to avoid include “however” and “although.”

4. “*#%&.” Use your imagination and fill in the blank and what you’re left with is a vulgar, obscenity-laced attack. Any way you look at it, attacking your spouse by name-calling will cause irreparable damage. Doing this regularly will surely destroy your spouse’s soul and kill the marriage. Outright contempt has no place in a marriage.

5. “Divorce.” Threatening to divorce, suggesting divorce as an option, or accusing your spouse of destroying the marriage will lead to just that. A divorce is a very serious decision, and using it as a weapon or method of control creates anxiety and despair. It’s not conducive for effective communication, conflict resolution, problem solving, or intimacy.

Take the time to think about the impact of your words before you speak to your spouse. Consider what you want to create with the communication. Create a powerful and loving intention rather than one that is meant to hurt, control, scare or push away the person you love. Find words that are conducive to creating intimacy. These might include phrases like, “I notice that when I [blank], you react by [blank]. When you do [blank], I feel [blank]. It would mean a lot to me if you would [blank], because when you do, I feel [blank].” And: “I want our marriage to feel good to both of us. How can we approach things in a way that makes us both feel heard, appreciated, accepted, and loved?”

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It’s over: The four problems NO marriage can survive (and having an affair ISN’T one of them)

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McWade – who describes herself as a collaborative divorce coach, a parent educator and collaborative trainer – outlines these marital dead-ends as: partners ceasing to be partners; chronic complaining and blame-throwing; narcissism and addiction.

She explains…

Ceasing to be partners: When one partner feels the other is immature, irresponsible, untrustworthy or selfish, the marital dynamic will crumble, destroying intimacy and sexual attraction. One partner will then ‘detach’. Domestic abuse is the most extreme version of this.

There’s often no turning back from detachment, so it’s important to recognize and start marriage counseling before breaking point. A marriage counselor can’t manufacture a connection, only strengthen it.

Chronic complaining and blame-throwing: When marital problems are not resolved to the satisfaction of both, resentment builds – and this erodes relationships.

Solving a problem by compromise is more important than being ‘right’. Individuals who cannot accept accountability are doomed to fail in relationships.

Narcissism: Everyone is narcissistic to some extent, but this is problematic when partners are unable to empathise with each other and instead compete over issues such as who works harder, who spends more time with the children, who had a tougher day.

When partners don’t understand the other’s contribution, each assume the other has it easier and neither feels understood.

Addiction: Addiction will always be an addict’s main focus above marriage and family, and their partner will feel angry and embarrassed by their lack of consideration for others.

If a user is unable to give up their habit they will shift blame onto their partner, who may try to hold the relationship together for a while – especially if children are involved – but will eventually give up if there is no recovery.

McWade explains it is important to correct marital issues before they become habitual behaviours and are imposible to change.

She says: ‘It’s difficult for couples to change long-standing relationship patterns by themselves because people tend to argue for their own points of view. Communication doesn’t get anywhere without a neutral perspective. Patterns must be recognized and interrupted.’

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5 Effective Tactics for Conflict Resolution

Most Effective Tactics for Conflict Resolution

#1, get in touch with your feelings before you go into any kind of conversation or confrontation. A lot of us go into a conflict resolution, really charged or really angry or really upset about something. Don’t do it that way. Take some time to journal, to talk out loud in your car, to talk to a friend that you’re not having the conflict with, so that you take the charge off of your feelings before you start the conversation.

Other Effective Tactics for Conflict Resolution

Next, own your end of it. In any conflict, even if you really want to think it’s all the other person’s fault, there is something to take personal ownership and responsibility for. The more you go into any conflict resolution playing the blame game, the more you’re going to perpetuate the conflict.

Additional Effective Tactics for Conflict Resolution

Next, listen and don’t interrupt. When we go into any kind of conflict resolution situation, emotions are heightened and you can really feel the sense of urgency to really say what’s on your mind, and get it out there, and interrupt the other person. But the more we do that, the more we only think about what we want to say, or what we’re going to say next, the more we interrupt, the more we perpetuate the conflict. So listen, don’t interrupt. And you’ll notice that if two people actually start listening to each other the conflict begins to resolve. Next, practice assertive communication.

More Effective Tactics for Conflict Resolution

Now it’s important to really listen and it’s also important to speak what you really need to say, so that you can make sure you make all the points that are important to you. A good way to prepare for this is before you have the conversation regarding the conflict, really write out everything that you want to say, list the important points. You can even bring these into the conversation or meeting, so that you feel more prepared. The more prepared you feel, the more effective you will be in your communication.
And finally, seek a solution. After you’ve listened, after you’ve effectively communicated, it’s time to find a solution so the conflict doesn’t perpetuate. Now, neither person may get 100% of what they want, but if your intention is to find a compromise that both people can be happy about, the conflict will resolve itself.
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